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| Logan's in fucking Ecuador, I'm stuck in cold New York scrambling to get my CFDA competition thing done, the middle toe on my right foot feels broken....
But good news!!! Logan and I are engaged...sort of....idk, we've been talking about it. I guess this ring is a promise ring then??? I shouldn't jinx anything...okay we're not engaged. But I'm so excited that I'm in love with someone that shares my ambitions and goals (&& I don't have to support the both of us when we go out). And having my parents and family like him too doesn't hurt either :)
  
The Ring, something Logan did when he was at the last yankee game in yankee stadiumm, us at the met museum omg we're such nerds lol
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| “Whatever”
“I don’t care”
Truth is
That empty spot is you
There
With that smirk
That stare
The one that makes me
Heart racing
Pulses beating
Unfurling
Creating
With a sigh
With a kiss
Pure, motional bliss
Another make up done
So I rinse
We repeat
“Baby”
“I love you”
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| I've turned into such an insomniac, it's insane. But there're a few things swimming around in my mind so I decided to let the little fishies free...
I'm going to be very blunt and honest.
When I first heard that Steph Wong was preggers, I was like "Why the hell would she throw her life away like that?" I mean, we're fairly YOUNG. We're not even legally allowed to drink. And then Vicky Gong gets pregnant too, and I'm like "Is this an epidemic in Valley Stream?" Anyways, I've seen the baby that her and Demarco made (just pictures, but I have plans to go visit her with Sharon now that Shar Shar's back from Korea XD yay) and I understand why. But not only that, my goddaughter Alex just had a baby brother and I'm also on my third godchild. I'm 20 and I already have 3 kids myself, go figure lol. I know I might have had problems with Vicky in the past, but, to quote a ridiculously memorable movie "The past is the past" (a la Eurotrip), and I wish her the best. Seriously, these women, however young they are, are really freaking brave. Because really, I remember my pregnancy scares. I would have rather died than tell my parents that I was pregnant, and I was nowhere NEAR the age of 19, 20.... :/ Kudos to them. Just remember to not give your babies anything with honey before they're 1 years old because their immune systems can't fight off what's in it (honey is basically bee vomit...so yeah....watch out for that)
Second, I can't stand Salima's boyfriend. I think about them and I roll my eyes. I'm really glad he's not on Xanga because having Xanga drama AFTER having Facebook drama would just annoy me to hell. At this point, I dont care if he tells Salima I started it all because the truth is, I never liked him. I didn't like him when I found out he pressured her to have sex with him just because he was going to the Army, I didn't like him when he kept going on her Aim, I didn't like him when he started shit w/ JC when JC IMed Salima not knowing Jayson was the one on her SN, I didn't like him when he made Salima think she was a terrible person for going out with me and Carmen for a couple of drinks in K-Town and getting tipsy (TIPSY, not even drunk), and I sure as hell didn't like him when Salima became the most unhappy person I know. Although, it's not entirely his fault she's unhappy, but I'm pretty sure it's a good part of it. And then she tells me she feels like KILLING HERSELF SOMETIMES. Does she tell him that? Probably not. Fuck, I'm crying....Salima never used to be like this. But ever since Las Vegas, she's changed. And I dont mean the whole ghetto fabulous to Paramore-emo-scene, whatever you want to call it look. It's her whole attitude, and part of me is saying to just leave her alone and have her handle it herself, but a good 90% of me is saying that I should watch out for her...just like I always have for 20 years.
I feel really tempted to tell Jayson about who Salima's on the phone with when she's not talking to him. She would hate me though, and then I'd hate myself. But seriously, that girl must be on crack and she's not listening. I mean, the kid is like what, 16, 17?? He's younger than JC, wtf. I keep telling her that he's a distraction, but she keeps brushing it off and is on the phone with him for like a good two hours when she's at my house. What the hell does she have in common with this guy anyway? He doesn't even know what he wants to do in college, she's already a junior in college. Mad ridiculous.
But maybe I shouldn't talk because Logan and I don't exactly have a perfect relationship either....but you dont see me seeking comfort in the voice of a 16 year old boy who lives ALL THE WAY IN TEXAS....do you?
Overall, Logan and I have been on and off for a year...but through our many struggles, we've decided that we can't stand to be with anyone else (although I still tell him that he's in love with his best friend Angela and he keeps telling me that he will never be with her because she ruins guys' hearts..we'll see how that plays out) and now we're going to work out my new FIT schedule together. Although, him going to Baruch this semester will help things :) Now I can just go crosstown to meet up with him-- and vice versa-- instead of having to tough it out on the subway/ferry in order to get to Staten freaking Island. I love him though <3
And Jesse, if you ever read this...I know what you did: You're the one who sent that email to all my closest friends and even my brother of a whole collection of pictures that you had kept of me. It's okay, Salima told me that you told her. I can see why you did it, I just dont see why you tried to have everything okay with us and offer to be friends like a year after we broke up. You know, when it happened, I couldn't trust anyone. And when I asked if it was you who did it, you said no and I actually had the stupidity to think that you were a better person than that so I accused the wrong person. And although I should have lost that person as a friend anyway, I would have liked it to be on my own terms, not through some scheme you came up with one drunken summer night.
But thankfully, a lot of good came out of it. I became a better person: I dont lie, I no longer have the urge to scheme and find ways to hook up with other guys even though I already have a boyfriend, I dont cheat nor do I ever want to cheat ever again, and I finally understand what a true, mature relationship consists of. I'm happy you're happy, and I have to say that, again, I'm sorry for preventing you from being with Danielle just because I was jealous that you were going to be happy with someone who was not me.
Am I a bitch for bringing up shit that happened 2 years ago??? Idk, it's fucking Xanga...who the hell cares......
TO DO:
1. Buy lining, beads, stones, zipper, interfacing for Lauren's prom dress
2. Sew the damn thing
3. Bead/put stones on the damn thing
4. Stop calling it "The Damn Thing" because I actually like Lauren, and she's Rachel's sister so yeah...
5. Continue planning 21st birthday party
6. Find a way to get money for France/Italy trip...possibly hit up Tita Jess??
7. Survive semester 6 with grace and poise
8. Develop grace and poise
9. Find a way to get my PS3 to stop static shocking me.
10. Make prom dress so I can buy Rockband 2.
To be continued.
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| What is it that drives people? What are they looking for? Driven by love, lust, greed, selfishness, hunger, sadness, revenge, anger, emotions too powerful to explain, or maybe simply too incompletely put together to be even cohesive, it doesn't matter. I think what people want is for the feeling that their footprints on this world will eventually become profound in some small way. However, I don't think many realize that their very presence and their daily actions ripple out and affect others. These repercussions could be positive or the opposite, the person affected could realize who it was who affected them, or they could simply forget and wonder why it is they do what they do. To simply forget is a very hard challenge for me. At night is when I realize how self-involved I really am, because right before I go to sleep (or at least try) I think about all the things I have to do the next day, things that happened a few hours previous, and things that happened probably days, months, years ago. And I start making the connections. I probably sound like a freak, but really I am just intrigued by the complexities that simple connections make. Passing each other on the sidewalk, an introduction at a party, going to the same school, the boy that ripped your heart apart, friendships & relationships that seemed meant to be... But then again, links can be broken. They can also be mended and made stronger.
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| Tomorrow is my 8th month thingy w/ Logan. He's sitting on the sofa, calling someone when I blurt out this realization. And he doesn't care--and he says so. Now we finished fighting. I hate him.
....but i love him soo much at the same time...bastard.
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